


The Tale of Douche Dan and Clueless Chloe

by orphan_account



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Desperation, Embarrassment, Friendship, Human Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV), Urination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 19:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20894873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Lucifer becomes similar to humans in yet another way. Only, this one is both awkward, and inconvenient.





	The Tale of Douche Dan and Clueless Chloe

Originally, Lucifer liked to imagine he went with Chloe doing cop stuff in the field, because it meant being next to her, and was a way he could flip his father off for making him the bad guy, by doing good things. 

But. 

In this one, single, instance..neither of those reasons mattered. One actually made his current situation worse. 

He was crouching behind a pile of crates in a, as of yet, abandoned warehouse. The lights outside were shining in through the wide opening out to the streets of LA. It made it highly plausible that the suspects they were staking out, indeed intended to come back here that very evening. 

But. 

Since the day he discovered his Chloe-activated mortality, Lucifer had monitored his symptoms, the ways he became hurtable, closely with the help of Maze. She had found a mildly disturbing level of joy in this. Which was the excuse Lucifer used with himself, as to why he didn’t tell her about the newest development. 

It had started earlier that day.

* * *

He was shifting through some random files on Detective Douche’s desk when he felt it. He knew what it was, he’d been around humans of varying levels of scientific prowess, for long enough to pick up all sorts of medical knowledge about humans. Some of which were, of course, used to torture them in hell. But now, it only served to inform him of a new feature in his celestial biology. He now needed to expel waste. This realization came with embarrassment. Lucifer hadn’t ever needed to urinate in any of the previous millennia. So, seeing no ways of keeping his pride in front of his crush and his frenemy, whilst telling _ the truth _ , Lucifer rose from his chair, and asked if either of them wanted something from the vending machine. Both declined. The Devil walked swiftly out of the room, sashaying quickly. He located the men’s room and entered. He was glad to see it empty, since this was a relatively new experience, and Lucifer had identified a few of his male colleagues as superstitious enough to believe the truth that had emerged in the precinct about him _ really _ , **actually**, being The Devil. And no one was to know that the Devil urinated, not if he could help it. Taking a deep breath, and reminding himself of all the incontinent souls in hell, he approached a urinal. He unzipped himself and unleashed his pink-ish apparatus of unholiness, never before used for matters not pertaining to pleasure. 

_ Although, urinary relief is a _ _ form _ _ of pleasure, _he reasoned to himself, as he aimed and released his brand new urine. It was unsurprisingly, blood red. He laughed loudly to himself with his head tilted back, at the thought of the person who might possibly be mistaken as responsible for the “blood” in the urinal later. 

Lucifer urinated for quite a while, presumably due to the multiple glasses of Orange Juice he had drunk with breakfast, back when he imagined himself 100% god-like. He zipped up, patting his abdomen with satisfaction and amusement over this new experience, before flushing and washing his hands. 

He walked back to his friends, completely forgetting his earlier cover story. 

“Vending machine empty?” Dan asked, noticing Lucifer had no bag of pretzels, chips nor sweets in his hands. 

“Yes, it was. Disappointing,” Lucifer remarked, sighing contently as he sat back down. 

  
“What took you so long? The machine’s right around the corner,” Chloe questioned, pointing at the visible black edge of the vending machine at the far end of the office. 

“I used the other one,” Lucifer replied without thinking. 

  
“What other one?” Chloe and Dan asked in synchronized suspicion. 

“The one..” he hesitated for a moment, before regaining confidence. “You know, I must’ve got lost in the boring architecture of this place. Nevermind, I’m not hungry anymore.” he lied. The two human detectives frowned sceptically, but got lost in their paperwork again.

* * *

Now, what Lucifer had forgotten was that urinating was something you did multiple times a day, not just the once. So he hadn’t listened to his bladder at all later in the day. Not until this exact moment. Lucifer found himself needing to bounce his thighs slightly, to alleviate the pressure. 

Chloe rolled her eyes, spotting the apparent impatience in her partner.

“Lucifer, for the last time, the suspects will be here sooner or later. Being giddy doesn’t make time go faster. I’d think your time in hell would’ve taught you that,” Chloe chastised. 

“Alright, I have to responses to that. Firstly; I’m not giddy, just uncomfortable. And secondly, I’d gladly take hell in exchange for my current.. circumstances,” Lucifer snapped back, before realizing what he just revealed and hid his last remark by peeking behind the crates. 

Chloe frowned in confusion. “What do you mean ‘uncomfortable’? In what way?” she asked him, wanting to help make the stakeout easier for him, for the her sake as well as his. 

“You try crouching for that long. Have you seen how long my legs are? They’re like stilts, NOT built for hiding behind short objects.” Lucifer used the pretence of stiffness to raise his left leg and push it against his right. 

A few more minutes passed, and Lucifer abruptly sat down with his left leg underneath him, his right leg upright, although bent, whilst he stared ahead of him. 

_ Oh, dear, I’m really in a pickle now, _he thought worriedly. 

“Are you okay?” Chloe asked him curiously. 

“Yes, just a small muscle cramp,” Lucifer stated. It wasn’t technically a lie, as there was an aching muscle involved. Although, his current method was not the most efficient way of treating the muscle in question: his urethral sphincter. 

Lucifer stroked his legs, up and down his thighs, before grabbing his left thigh, and wiggling it towards his right, basically hugging himself.

“Lucifer, what’s wrong? It doesn’t look like a ‘small’ muscle cramp to me,” Chloe asked in deep concern, at her partners tense, crouched posture. 

“No, my body has certainly ceased its desire to be polite and keep my pride,” Lucifer muttered quietly. 

“What do you mean ‘keep your pride’? There’s nothing embarrassing about being hurt,” Chloe assured him. 

  
“Well, I’m not hurt. Not in that way. I’m just really quite desperate for..” he stopped his sentence before he could make an unnecessarily hasty _ confession _.

“for what? What do you need?” Chloe put a hand on Lucifer’s shoulder. 

There was no longer any way out for him. Only the absolute truth remained to be said. 

Lucifer’s face was covered by a blush of embarrassment. He sighed and instantly decided to answer in a complete sentence. Finishing off of what the detective said would be cheating, and make him too cushy about how much he would need to admit. And that could definitely come back to bite him. 

He closed his eyes partially, looking down at the ground. “I _ really _ need the toilet,” he admitted. 

Chloe’s eyes widened at the answer. She reflexively began to stroke his hair in sympathy. 

“Oh..well, that’s fine. Everyone needs to pee eventually,” she assured him with a smile, trying her best to look into his eyes. Lucifer looked up at her and nodded awkwardly. Her words made the embarrassment shrink away significantly. 

“I never expected to. I’m the Devil. I’ve never peed _ before _ , not even once, until today. Of all the ways you could make me vulnerable, I really wish they’d remained _ dignified _.” Lucifer remarked, wiggling some more, while holding both legs against his chest, rocking back and forth. 

“I’m really sorry this is happening to you, Luce. Just think positive thoughts. I’m sure the suspects will come soon,” Chloe attempted to comfort him. 

* * *

Time carried on at its usual, torturous speed. Then, the bad guys finally arrived. Lucifer prepared himself to stand up, by going back to his old position with one leg below him and one bent upright. Squeezing his crotch this way a couple of times, he stood up in a crouch as fast as he could. Unfortunately, the pressure applied to his bladder muscles didn’t last long, and with his legs apart, the bladder released a bit of urine with ease. Lucifer gasped, and grabbed his crotch with both hands. 

“I can’t walk like this!” Lucifer whispered in a panic.

“Alright, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going over to deal with the bad guys, while you shuffle, to the best of your ability, over to that dark corner to pee,” Chloe instructed. The spot she’d selected seemed sufficiently shaded, and considering the urgency of his need to pee, he nodded almost immediately. 

At the sound of Chloe announcing her presence with her voice and firearm, Lucifer ran hurriedly, but clumsily over to the “toilet”, his hands still clamped in his crotch. After ensuring that his partner was safe amongst the hooligans, he rapidly unzipped himself, pulled out, aimed at the ground and released all his pent up urine. If it hadn’t been for the gunshots fired up at the ceiling during Detective Decker’s scuffle, Lucifer’s urination would’ve been easily audible as the pee splashed onto the ground, making a wide puddle. He zipped up and made quick work of the thugs using his ungodly abilities. Then they both simply waited for backup to arrive. 

****************

Ella sniffed the puddle, not believing what her equipment was saying about the red liquid. It _ wasn’t blood _. It didn’t smell like blood either. Strangely enough, it smelled like pee. 

She walked over to Detective Espinoza. “Were there anyone here before Chloe and Lucifer started the stake-out?” she asked him. 

“No. We checked the CCTV- nothing, all day. That’s why we scheduled the stakeout in the evening. Why?” Dan replied, surprised at the question. 

“I found a red puddle in the corner over there. It looks like blood, but tested negative for all compounds found in blood. Also, it smells like pee,” Ella explained. 

Dan walked over to the puddle, and dipped a gloved finger in it. He smelled it. It indeed smelled like pee. But not his pee. Or any other type of pee he had ever smelled. 

“What did the tests find in this mess?” he asked, completely out of ideas. 

Ella double-checked her charts, and nearly stopped breathing. 

“Okay, that’s weird. It contains the same unknown compound found in the thread of Lucifer’s wings,” she stated.

“Why would there be something Lucifer has in his body, in a random red puddle?” Dan questioned, more confused. 

A thought occurred to Ella. She smirked. Lucifer seemed the type to do _ that _.. 

“Have you ever seen Lucifer pee?” Ella asked out of the blue. 

“No. Guess it’s his special ‘fallen angel’ powers. He doesn’t do that,” Dan assumed. 

“I think he does. And I think he just did,” Ella argued, pointing at the puddle. 

Dan considered it. The fact it _ smelled like pee _, was significant. And it seemed right, that The Devil peed red. 

“I mean, if he didn’t go before the stake-out, since it’s really late at night, he would get pretty desperate eventually. Enough to just pee in a corner,” Ella added as evidence. 

To show that he was fully convinced, Dan laughed loudly. “Oh, my god. Lucifer, Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness, King of Hell...peed on the floor of a warehouse. Oh, how the mighty fall,” he chuckled. 

His secret mocking of Lucifer was interrupted..by Lucifer, walking over to greet his “colleague”. 

“Hey, congratulations on the arrest, my man. You must be _ relieved _,” Dan remarked, snorting with contained laughter.

“Yes, I am. That’s an odd use of words, Detective Douche,” Lucifer replied, raising an eyebrow. 

“What, you think I wouldn’t see the puddle?” Dan explained, pointing at the puddle. 

Lucifer went almost more red than his devil-face, in embarrassment. 

“Hey, what goes in must come out, I’m _ human enough _! To an irritating degree. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll make a puddle in the kitchen made of your dear chocolate pudding,” Lucifer threatened Dan. 

“Don’t even think about it, or I’ll..” Dan grabbed Lucifer’s posh jacket. Chloe ran up and pushed them off each other. 

“Hey! What’s going on here?” Chloe demanded answers. 

“Dan the Douche, teased me for my natural bodily functions,” Lucifer blamed Dan.

“Hey, there’s nothing natural about you,” Dan countered. 

Chloe prevented Lucifer from responding, by speaking herself. “I know, he hasn’t had a working bladder before, please be nice about it,” she instructed her ex-husband. 

“Alright, I’m sorry, Lucifer, “ Dan apologized honestly, patting him on the shoulder. 

“Just tell me one thing,” he requested. “If that was your first time taking a whizz, how did you keep it from getting everywhere? Like, how did you keep the stream on the ground? The boys in Trixie’s class certainly can’t,” he asked Lucifer. 

“Well, actually it wasn’t my first time, it was my second,” Lucifer corrected. 

“When was the first?” Chloe asked curiously. 

“At the precinct, this morning,” he stated. 

“Wait, that was why it took so long at the ‘vending machine’ wasn’t it? You were taking a _ hell _ of a long time in the _ bathroom _,” Dan guessed. Lucifer nodded in confirmation. 

“Wait, I thought you couldn’t _ lie _,” Chloe noted. 

  
“Well, technically I didn’t lie. I asked if you wanted something from the vending machine, I didn’t explicitly say that I intended to get something _ myself _, nor that I was headed there at all. And I didn’t even look at the vending machine, so the part about it being empty wasn’t a lie either. I couldn’t know. And I didn’t say anything about my story of getting lost having anything to do with me walking away from the desk, or being gone for a long time. Loophole. It’s not lying when you just exploit conspiracies humans make for themselves to fill gaps,” Lucifer explained. 

“Well, you don’t have to do that again, every human in the world understands what you’re going through,” Dan assured him. “When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go,” Chloe chimed in, before leading Lucifer to her car, to drive him home. 

The End.


End file.
